When your classmates start getting married...
There's a similarity in how most people in mid twenties feel when their old friends from high school and college start to pair off and get married. The most common sentiment is what created clichés like 'it's your turn next'. The idea that around this point in life you are meant to find a life partner and settle down creates this feeling of when will it be my turn. While I never excepted myself to have thoughts along those line, I also couldn't have predicted the thoughts that have been crowding my head for past few days. All those thoughts have originated from a very surprising feeling, and that feeling is fear. The last time I was truly afraid of something, which also was the first time I was afraid of anything, I was in seventh grade. From then to now, it's the first time I've been genuinely afraid in my life.
What is it that I am so afraid of? Before I get into that, I want to share the thought process and social aspects that originated the fear. Fact is, my old school mates have been getting married for a long while now. I've always just been happy for them. Two of my best friends got married and there was just joy. Recently though what changed is, the cultural background of old school mates who were getting married. See, while some of my friends who got married back when we were nineteen, twenty; they were all the people born and raised in US. As a matter of fact until last year most of my friends in our age group who got married have been from non-Indian backgrounds. That is what changed. My old school mates and friends from when I lived in India started getting married. Who knew that could have such a big impact on me.
For the past year, while I've been looking at posts and picture they've shared on Facebook, despite simply wanting to be happy, I've been feeling a little on edge. I didn't fully know why until one of my very close friends from high school got engaged and the only reason I know that is because of a Facebook post. It made me think how did we get so out of touch that we've gone from practically knowing everything in each others life to barely knowing big events through Facebook. It rattled me so much that I still haven't been able to congratulate her because if I did so, it wouldn't be fully heartfelt. It's been bothering me for days now and this morning I woke up realizing the reason behind all of it.
Why I'd been feeling on edge? Why I haven't been able to say congratulations? Why am I so bothered? Why do I feel like reaching out to everyone who has gotten married, even if they weren't really someone I was ever friends with? And the simple reason to all of that is fear. I am truly afraid that in their marriage, if they are abused or mistreated in any way, I won't be able to protect them. More over, I'm not even someone whom they would confide in because we were never close to begin with. This is the impact on mentality that culture has.
Indian culture still treats women like possessions. Not to say that issues like domestic violence don't exist in US or other places. It's just that I happen to know that friends and school mates I met here in US, have support and know they can reach out if they need help. The awareness about abuse and how to deal with it is comparatively vastly different for people I know who are from non-Indian backgrounds versus those who are from Indian background. Regardless of the current country of their residence.
I recently had to hear an educated and well respected man from Indian community say "So what if he forced her a bit. That's his right as a husband." about someone he says he considers as a daughter. It makes me terrified for women who come from families and backgrounds that have taught them to endure abuse rather than speak up. I am terrified that they will feel like there is no help. That they have no right to speak up. That emotional and mental abuse by the husband or in-laws is normal because it is the unfortunate norm even in the present day Indian culture.
I'm afraid, that someone who was once so close to me may have to endure something awful and feel like she has no one to help her. I am afraid that these women may even feel guilty for wanting help or wanting to reach out. I have seen women who were taught to speak up their whole lives feel they couldn't and I am afraid of the fact that if someone with support had a hard time speaking up about abuse, how will anyone else.
This is what I would like to tell all my old schoolmates and friends who are and will be getting married. Those veiled Facebook posts you write about hardship in your new family that contradict the Bollywood style picture you share, they terrify me more than you can imagine. I truly wish you happiness. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you never have to face abuse or mistreatment. I hope if any such thing happens you will muster up the courage to reach out and ask for help. I care not if I am in a different country than you, if you ever need help, and you can't think of anyone who you can share your hardship with, ask me. Reach out to me. I will do whatever I can. If you are in an unsafe situation, I will do whatever it takes to get you to safety. It doesn't matter when was the last time we spoke. Frankly, it doesn't matter if you are a stranger reading this post. If you need help, reach out. Please.
Here are a few resources if you or anyone you know needs help. I hope you will speak up, as hard as it may be, and ask for help.
ਆਪਣੇ ਵਿਰਸੇ ਨੂੰ ਸੰਭਾਲਣ ਤੇ ਜਿਊਂਦਾ ਰਖਣਾ ਹੈ। ਖੁਦ ਆਪ ਵੀ ਵਿਰਸੇ ਉਪਰ ਚੱਲਕੇ ਮੇਂਹਦੀ ਲਗਾਉਣੀ ਹੈ। ਇਹੀ ਵਿਰਸਾ ਅਲੋਪ ਕਰ ਦਿੱਤਾ ਹੈ ਪਰਦੇਸੀ ਸਿੱਖਾਂ ਨੇ।
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